Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Welcome to the newest, the greatest... the most spectacular show in entertainment history. Put your hands together for the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour! Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles... We're not average ordinary people. Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles. Animal acts and other attractions. Bring me a pussy and I show you some action. I'm a contortionist. A modernist. An hippopotamus. Be sure we guarantee to amuse you. Wait to meet the Feebles. Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles. We're not average ordinary people. Meet the Feebles, Meet the Feebles. And now... here's... Kitty. Yipeee! Ha ha! Hi, folks! Welcome to the Feebles Variety Hour. Oh boy, what a line-up we've got for you tonight. But first, give a huge reception to our very own Venus... that gorgeous hunk of deerhood, Alastor! I'm Alastor, hi! I love you all. You're as handsome as me, but I'm the star. I put on my best, my talents are huge. We've got a show... but it's about to start to meet the Feebles. Meet the Feebles. We're not average ordinary people. Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles.
- Trevor/Zeena: All right you fat slag, move your ass!
- Heidi/Alastor: How dare you speak to me like that, you horrible, spiteful little snail!
- Trevor/Zeena: I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer.
- Heidi/Alastor: I won't stand for this treatment any longer. I'm an artiste.I demand respect.
- Trevor/Zeena: Artiste, that's a good one.
- Heidi/Alastor: That's it! I've had enough! I'm going straight to Ursula.
- Trevor/Zeena: You do that darling.
- Sebastian/Starlight: What is going on over there? Alastor, where are you going? Have you upset him again? You know what happens when he gets into a tizz.
- Trevor/Zeena: The old bull's had it too good for too long.
- Sebastian/Starlight: Like it or not, Zeena, he's the star of the show. There's no Feebles without Alastor. Come on everybody. We're going out live in twelve hours. Heaven forbid injecting some urgency into this occasion...but for God's sake get a move on!
- Arthur/Lady Kluck: Have a good rehearsal, Mister Owen.
- Heidi/Alastor: Ursula!
- Bletch/Ursula: Oh, shit! I was just about to pop my cookies! Sorry, Alastor, I was just finishing off some paperwork.
- Heidi/Alastor: Zeena's been insulting me.
- Bletch/Ursula: Why, that foul-mouthed little mollusk. I'll give her a good talking to.
- Heidi/Alastor: If it happens again, I shan't perform.
- Bletch/Ursula: There there Alastor, don't upset yourself.
- Heidi/Alastor: Do I smell cologne?
- Bletch/Ursula: You're imagining things my sweet. Now you go and rest up. Big night tonight.
- Heidi/Alastor: Come to my room later on?
- Bletch/Ursula: I'll try. Oh God! Men!
- Samantha/Jason: When are you going to dump that huckery moll?
- Bletch/Ursula: Huckery moll he may be, but he's also our major drawcard.
- Samantha/Jason: Show some guts, Ursula! Get rid of him!
- Bletch/Ursula: God, wouldn't like to!
- Samantha/Jason: I'm not waiting around for ever.
- Bletch/Ursula: Don't worry, honey. I'm working on it.